Not being able to trust you makes me feel inherently flawed in each and every way. If I cannot trust you than what is there to trust? So this stupid, simple thing that I honestly want to believe means nothing, still has the power to throw my entire world off of its axis. This stupid, incredibly stupid thing, still has the ability to shift my perception of everything past, present and future. It twists all these moments into sick, disgusting shadows of what they had once been in my mind. It has the ability to twist and contort and plant doubt so deep I am without understanding on how to dispel it.

This stupid, mindless, momentary thing that should mean absolutely nothing, ends up being so much. And I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to make it stop hurting, haunting and planting these seeds of distrust that rip at all of life’s moments. I find myself sick with worry, anxiety and suspicion in the one place that should be sanctuary. I feel lost and honestly crazy. I’m torn between keeping these feelings to myself or sharing them with you and dividing the burden on your shoulders. A burden that in the past has been met with anger, guilt and some unspoken no man’s land.

An uneasiness rests within these walls.

It's the exhausted sigh that sometimes escapes his lips at the end of the day. The way his shoulders sag under the unrelenting invisible weight of the great unspoken.

Even after years of conversations there is a lingering unknown that only reveals itself in these small moments. The sickening sincerity is always quickly concealed through a careless kiss or a quick embrace. But the uncertainty is set in motion building its wake through the hours of night. Growing more vicious, unpredictable and terrifying by the morning light.

I've written three entries and I just keep deleting them.

I have nothing "right" to say.

Nothing feels right, nothing is right.

Every Day I Am Here

Is a testament to how much I love you.

Because I HATE it here.

You are the only thing keeping me here.

This One Is For Paul

You do have someone thinking about you. Each and every day.

Now be safe and stop chasing randoms into shitty ditches.

This One Is About YOU

Where have you been? It's like you've completely disappeared to me.

Please Come Home

And remind me why I'm still here.