How To Stay Warm

cuddle your kids!

Why Can't I Stop

Looking at this image?

Why is it whenever winter draws near I crave your voice no matter what my surrounding circumstance?

Sometimes it is so consuming; it is infuriating.

Alluring as a christmas carol but surely not as innocent.

My Crittles

I've created these creatures I have named crittles.

Meet Hig, Ig, Ik, Ipp, and Zin

I Cannot Believe I Almost Forgot

This made my day.

It's Easy To Love My Kids

When they are this cool.

Young Love

Tartle

"Here are a few examples of instances where other languages have found the right word and English simply falls speechless.

1. Toska

Russian – Vladmir Nabokov describes it best: “No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”

2. Mamihlapinatapei

Yagan (indigenous language of Tierra del Fuego) – “the wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start”

3. Jayus

Indonesian – “A joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh”

4. Iktsuarpok

Inuit – “To go outside to check if anyone is coming.”

5. Litost

Czech – Milan Kundera, author of The Unbearable Lightness of Being, remarked that “As for the meaning of this word, I have looked in vain in other languages for an equivalent, though I find it difficult to imagine how anyone can understand the human soul without it.” The closest definition is a state of agony and torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery.

6. Kyoikumama

Japanese – “A mother who relentlessly pushes her children toward academic achievement”

7. Tartle

Scottish – The act of hestitating while introducing someone because you’ve forgotten their name.

8. Ilunga

Tshiluba (Southwest Congo) – A word famous for its untranslatability, most professional translators pinpoint it as the stature of a person “who is ready to forgive and forget any first abuse, tolerate it the second time, but never forgive nor tolerate on the third offense.”

9. Prozvonit

Czech – This word means to call a mobile phone and let it ring once so that the other person will call back, saving the first caller money. In Spanish, the phrase for this is “Dar un toque,” or, “To give a touch.”

10. Cafuné

Brazilian Portuguese – “The act of tenderly running one’s fingers through someone’s hair.”

11. Schadenfreude

German – Quite famous for its meaning that somehow other languages neglected to recognize, this refers to the feeling of pleasure derived by seeing another’s misfortune. I guess “America’s Funniest Moments of Schadenfreude” just didn’t have the same ring to it.

12. Torschlusspanik

German – Translated literally, this word means “gate-closing panic,” but its contextual meaning refers to “the fear of diminishing opportunities as one ages.”

13. Wabi-Sabi

Japanese – Much has been written on this Japanese concept, but in a sentence, one might be able to understand it as “a way of living that focuses on finding beauty within the imperfections of life and accepting peacefully the natural cycle of growth and decay.”

14. Dépaysement

French – The feeling that comes from not being in one’s home country.

15. Tingo

Pascuense (Easter Island) – Hopefully this isn’t a word you’d need often: “the act of taking objects one desires from the house of a friend by gradually borrowing all of them.”

16. Hyggelig

Danish – Its “literal” translation into English gives connotations of a warm, friendly, cozy demeanor, but it’s unlikely that these words truly capture the essence of a hyggelig; it’s likely something that must be experienced to be known. I think of good friends, cold beer, and a warm fire.

17. L’appel du vide

French – “The call of the void” is this French expression’s literal translation, but more significantly it’s used to describe the instinctive urge to jump from high places.

18. Ya’aburnee

Arabic – Both morbid and beautiful at once, this incantatory word means “You bury me,” a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

19. Duende

Spanish – While originally used to describe a mythical, spritelike entity that possesses humans and creates the feeling of awe of one’s surroundings in nature, its meaning has transitioned into referring to “the mysterious power that a work of art has to deeply move a person.” There’s actually a nightclub in the town of La Linea de la Concepcion, where I teach, named after this word.

20. Saudade

Portuguese – One of the most beautiful of all words, translatable or not, this word “refers to the feeling of longing for something or someone that you love and which is lost.” Fado music, a type of mournful singing, relates to saudade.

For myself, the hardest part about learning a new language isn’t so much getting acquainted with the translations of vocabulary and different grammatical forms and bases, but developing an inner reflex that responds to words’ texture, not their translated “ingredients”. When you hear the word “criminal” you don’t think of “one who commits acts outside the law,” but rather the feeling and mental imagery that comes with that word.

Thus these words, while standing out due to our inability to find an equivalent word in out own language, should not be appreciated for our own words that we try to use to describe them, but for their own taste and texture. Understanding these words should be like eating the best slab of smoked barbequeued ribs: the enjoyment doesn’t come from knowing what the cook put in the sauce or the seasoning, but from the full experience that can only be created by time and emotion."

Home Again

I’ve become so immersed in my habitual existence I sometimes forget where I am. Sitting on the platform stranded between express and the promised follower train, I was too tired to stand or to even hold my head. The man next to me grapples at English, I stare at him as he says words I wish I understood. “Express…Loyola,” I say and he nods and sits next to me. He pulls his cap to conceal his eyes and we sit surrounded by commuters and overly anxious teenagers.

I rest my head on my artbox containing my soiled brushes as the nightlights flicker on overhead. The breeze from the lake filters in viciously and whips at my hair, kissing my exposed skin. My ears listen for the familiar rattle for the ride north but all I hear is pointless chatter so I crawl back inside. Closing my eyes I only long for one thing I can never have again.

I want to be held in my father’s arms, my head cradled between his neck and shoulder. I doze as the swaying and bobbing of his steps drift me through a threatening crowd. The commotion and anxiety only ease me further as I know I am safe and loved in this effortlessly caring embrace. There is no guilt and no agenda, no motives to these actions, we are just going home.

I am so moved by this loss I have to sit up to allow the wind to tease my eyes, to prevent the tears from forming further. I realize how tense I am, how tired my muscles are from this but there is no release. Upon deeper thought I realize this apprehension always wades through my muscles as soon as I close the door behind me. I haven’t felt safe in so long, maybe that is why I long for my sheets and pillow which hold me and whisper calming nightmares.

The train arrives and I shuffle on. I’m on the way back to the place I’m trying to call home.

(P.S. Note to self: clean camera lens...it is filthy)

Every Day Is Important

Every day is the most important day of our lives.

The Best Way To Spend My Day

Through The Canyon

Next I want to do this through the rainforest!

I never thought I'd want adventure. Maybe its the 10 hour work days that make me long for it now.

I'm changed.

I want to live more than ever.

Bubba And I At The Beach

You're My Strength

Things have been difficult but you get me through it all.

Let this be a reminder to me to be grateful for what I have.

Summer Lovin'

And it is now that my skin hugs my bone at its tightest, that I actually feel most alive.

How would you live life differently if you thought it might end sooner than you planned?

I think I'd just do more is all. Less TV and more you and me.

So that is what I've been doing.

I am happy.

Beach Findings

Go Cubs

Only Have Eyes For You

These entries are so shallow and factual lately but I don't care. I don't feel like writing.

It has been a really crumby past couple of days.

I've just been breaking down a lot, losing it, losing sleep, losing weight.

I've lost a lot of hope and that childish sense of security. I walked my parents to the elevator and began silently sobbing as the elevator doors closed and I walked back to my apartment alone. I just felt empty and I knew that their arms no longer would ever fill me up the way they use to. I stood outside the door looking up begging the tears to flow back from whence they came. I composed myself, I opened the door and he was standing there. "Oh no, what's wrong," he said his face melting warmly at my fragility. He knew, without hesitation or thought, he just knew like instinct. No matter how hard I fought or tried to hide it, he felt it.

I just started to cry again and he held my body close to his. I felt safe and warm again.

He is my security now.

Bed

Head.

I looked like this when I woke up...and now the circles under my eyes make it looked like I have black eyes.

I spent the night curled in an up-right fetal position, wedge in the corner of the couch again.

I feel like I'm sick at least once a week.

I know a lot of it has to be my diet. No matter what I do, I can't change. I need to just have someone force me, because I have no self control.

I need to take control over my life or the doctors are right, I'm going to keep getting more and more sick.

Stupid

Best Boyfriend Ever

7.0mm Cultured Freshwater Pearl Loop Pendant in 14k White Gold with Diamond Accent

The nicest thing I've ever received.

Normally I do not like fancy, girly things, but this one means a lot to me and I love it.

Future Husband

I want these to be our wedding rings.

Tonight

Mouse In Jello

Happy April Fools

I Need To Learn

To not look at the ten day weather.

Just look at today's...it's all we have.

Heard It All Before

This was my last spring break, and I have to say it was the worst.

Things I Want To Do That Are Completely Selfish

Learn to surf
Learn to snowboard
Drop into a ramp on my board (even if its kinda tiny!)
Learn to drive stick
Drive a car really fast and spin out/race that car
Pet a lion and or tiger
Get super hard abs
Go to a super suave party dressed to the nines
Learn to tango
Alter my diet so I'm healthy
Climb a tree to fetch a coconut
Construct a wilderness shelter
Learn to use a Neti pot
Learn to make really delicious sushi
Throw a dinner party
Live in a tree house
Hang out with a monkey/chimp
Construct a lamp from scratch
Meet a member of the Korowai
Zip-line through the rainforest
Save someone from certain death

More to be added as they occur to me...

A Place I Used To Call Home

Best friends

Smelling the wind.

Holding hands.

The squirrel that kept jumping from tree to tree and quacking at me.

Sibling rivalry.

Doggy levitation.

I can go anywhere now.