Not being able to trust you makes me feel inherently flawed in each and every way. If I cannot trust you than what is there to trust? So this stupid, simple thing that I honestly want to believe means nothing, still has the power to throw my entire world off of its axis. This stupid, incredibly stupid thing, still has the ability to shift my perception of everything past, present and future. It twists all these moments into sick, disgusting shadows of what they had once been in my mind. It has the ability to twist and contort and plant doubt so deep I am without understanding on how to dispel it.

This stupid, mindless, momentary thing that should mean absolutely nothing, ends up being so much. And I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to make it stop hurting, haunting and planting these seeds of distrust that rip at all of life’s moments. I find myself sick with worry, anxiety and suspicion in the one place that should be sanctuary. I feel lost and honestly crazy. I’m torn between keeping these feelings to myself or sharing them with you and dividing the burden on your shoulders. A burden that in the past has been met with anger, guilt and some unspoken no man’s land.

An uneasiness rests within these walls.

It's the exhausted sigh that sometimes escapes his lips at the end of the day. The way his shoulders sag under the unrelenting invisible weight of the great unspoken.

Even after years of conversations there is a lingering unknown that only reveals itself in these small moments. The sickening sincerity is always quickly concealed through a careless kiss or a quick embrace. But the uncertainty is set in motion building its wake through the hours of night. Growing more vicious, unpredictable and terrifying by the morning light.

I've written three entries and I just keep deleting them.

I have nothing "right" to say.

Nothing feels right, nothing is right.

Every Day I Am Here

Is a testament to how much I love you.

Because I HATE it here.

You are the only thing keeping me here.

This One Is For Paul

You do have someone thinking about you. Each and every day.

Now be safe and stop chasing randoms into shitty ditches.

This One Is About YOU

Where have you been? It's like you've completely disappeared to me.

Please Come Home

And remind me why I'm still here.

It Seems No Matter How Alive I Am

I always looks a little dead.

I'm Sure

Maybe You Were Just A Reminder

To not trust a promise.

Every Day

I felt like I'm not fooling anyone.

But really, I've been fooling everyone.

24

Whenever I talk to you I get this feeling and I think I've always talked about it as this feeling of warmth and familiarity. But now I'm realizing it's more.

I feel like I'm covered in mud and my freckles that hide in the winter come back out. My skin abandons its pallor and is warm and young. And my hair, it's wind blown and tangled. I start daydreaming about jungles, forts, tree houses, caves, befriending feral cats, and trying to ride a horse bareback.

I start craving fruits and hearty bread and feel the need to walk my apartment barefoot.

16

Oh Yeah?

Playing in the snow with my kiddies.

11

To Dream A Dream

I've found it often more pleasant to dream a dream thank to live it.

Grandma

My grandma died today.

Every time someone dies in my life I always fall asleep right as they are passing.

2011 has not been the best year so far.

But I have my hopes set high. Things can only get better from here.

Grandma is in a better place, Mr. Hurd's cancer is removable and I have some really amazing people in my life.

Like I said, it can only get better from here.

Today

I learned Mr. Hurd has cancer.

I'm trying so hard to be brave for Jeff but I am so sad inside.

Nothing can happen to this man, he is so sweet and gentle and I cannot imagine a world without him. Jeff needs his father.

It's not his time.

Everything happens for a reason but this just doesn't seem like it makes any sense.

(If you read this please do not say anything as I am not sure whether the family is sharing this information yet. I honestly wrote this for myself with the understanding that very few if any people read this. Thank you.)

How To Stay Warm

cuddle your kids!