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Most of the time I’m running and I can feel my heart palpitating slapping at the cage of calcium and marrow surrounding it, anxious to get out but why I cannot ever know or say. I can feel my legs gelatinous and desperate swishing under me like weights being flung forward by blind ambition and terror. Its not clear if I’m running to or away, only running and with such fever and hopeless passion.
I want the whole world to see me through a blind man’s eyes, and I scream at the bottom of my lungs as I quietly listen to my life roar past, reminding me that I’m growing closer to something I don’t understand nor care to.
Waves of frustration surround me as I question the catastrophe and wreckage that will be brought by every word that passes through my lips and spills through the keyboard. I’m too hopeless to care, but tomorrow’s disappoints will point out yesterdays mistakes.
But what can be done about it now? This I don’t know, this is what haunts me tonight.
I've been running away for the past few months and I'm not sure from what I just know the desperate feeling that consumes me…
“Only after disaster can we be resurrected”
This summer shattered my soul and it hurt like hell but it was after it all that I could gather the pieces and have slowly begun to rebuild myself. I was forced to face what I was making of my life and it felt false and empty. Until that point I feel I had created the me I wanted to be, but the life I was living was not the one I desired. I felt a lack or compulsion and passion, absent of happiness and driven by instinct, sympathy…blindly wandering the corridors of my “life”.
I’m still working everything out, and in this process I have pretty much abandoned my old life. Well, to be fair, there is still a good portion that remains, but at the very least, I feel as if I have left so much behind me and I’m trying to retrace my steps and pick up what I left behind in my hast to retreat from the deafening storm.
I’m recovering…I’m coming back…please be patient.
Today I was walking and I really started to focus on my glasses. For those who have never worn glasses, I think the hardest thing to get used to is the fact that you can only see the world clearly through the lenses of your glasses, venture outside these boundaries, faces blur and inanimate objects instantly adopt an anthropomorphic quality…which can be amusing or devastatingly embarrassing. It’s just weird I suppose, and for an hour or so it takes some time to get used to it. You keep seeing the rims of the glasses.
All of this got me thinking…am I still seeing the rims now (now that I’m used it them)? I mean sure, if I want to see them and think about it I can…but the rest of the time I completely block it out. This makes me uneasy. What else in life have I so simply blocked out with little disregard? What happens to that message; that fire of electrical impulses sending the sight of these rims through my mind? Is it completely lost, irrelevant, and if so, how can I consciously then regain my awareness of them? This brings up the concept of lost energy…if these impulses are still being sent, how can I not be seeing them, how can they be ignored? Its like when you’re reading and someone is talking…are your eardrums not vibrating with the frequency of their voice? It would seem most logical, and frankly most probable that you eardrums are in fact, still vibrating, and the impulses are still being sent to your brain, so the ultimate question remains, what happens to all of this lost thought?
Recycling doesn’t begin at the curb with your aluminum and cardboard, it’s here in our minds.
Pictures soon, promise.
In the mean time, this is what I've been doing mostly...
Sometimes I just look at photos from a time in the past and I wish I could go back. I don't think I would change anything, I just want to be there again, just for a little, just for a visit. I promise I'd come back...I think.
Trying to live life with no regrets, lets see how it works out.
P.S. More pictures soon.
When did I learn to savor the tang of hemoglobin…when did I feel as free and as spontaneous? Where did the courage to let go and live on come from? Frankly I have never been one to open my arms to change, in fact, I have even grow slightly notorious for baring my arms against the wages of time.
I’ve let go…a lot. Sure, I’m still me, but I breathe more deeply now, my heart swaggers to a patient lub-dub as oppose to the preceding inconsistent jabs of ecstasy and distress. My life hasn’t changed too greatly, but I have. I opened my eyes to the possibilities that surrounded me and have abandoned the negative for the positive. I’m allowing myself to embrace the amazing things that surrounded me and finally am forcing myself to focus on my good fortune rather than hone in on the occasional downer.
In the past month I have let several friendships slip from my grasps and there are many times I find myself regretting it. Most of my current life wasn’t a result of conscious decision as it has always been in the past. I’ve been trying to just float, have faith, believe in the inevitable. I’m not kneeling at my bedside hands clasped together, but I am closing my eyes and smiling a lot.
I’m lying on city rooftops and watching the stars as beer bottles rattle, and dancing ensues. I’m listening to music while I fling paint at a canvas and hold the brush in my mouth. I’m letting the sheets caress against my body and tug at my hip bones, sometimes I let the window sit open and just listen to the brown line squeal and wale in it’s linear migration. My showers are scalding hot and sometimes I go to class with my hair wet. Alone in the afternoons I like to lay on the floor and let Jem [my turtle] crawl on me or snag with his feet at the fibers in the carpet. I eat apples and pad thai and sing while cooking. Most of all, I’m staring into the eyes of the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I’ve never been so incredibly content in all my life.
I’m going to start posting photos again soon, I’ve just been so busy. I’ve been learning a lot of new techniques, experimenting with new equipment, learning how to operate new adobe programs, and examining new forms of art. I’m growing increasingly obsessed with sexuality and vulgarity. The contradiction that exists where we sell sex but deem porn as taboo. What is sexy and beautiful, what is just sexy, and what is just pornographic and offensive? Additionally, the concept of space and the versatility it can possess be it barren or occupied. I love it, I think I’m going to start really diving into it. So keep your eyes peeled, pictures coming soon.
Not sure what is ahead of me...I'm a little nervous.
But I know it is bound to be great...I'm moving back to chicago tomorrow...thank gosh
I'm proud of you Private.
P.S. I have pictures I just haven't been in the mood at all to post.
Who are you?
I mean this kindly but curiously.
For some reason this happens to me more frequently than it should.
For the third time in my life I was standing around outside and a huge branch fell right beside me barely missing me. It nearly hit the two dogs I was with at the time too but I heard the crack as the branch broke away from the tree and instantly called them to my side. It was about 15 feet long and 5 inches in diameter and it splinted and cracked the pavement below it. Totally would have done some damage to me...pierced me or crushed me or something exciting.
This also happened with a tree...the wind just came and ka boom, it fell...50 foot tree toppled over right before my eyes and no one else saw they came to investigate the aftermath.
I wouldn't say I'm very spiritual but part of me cannot help thinking these things happen around me for a reason.
It is one thing to see workers hack down a wall, or a building being demolished…but when something so natural seemingly self-destructs before your eyes…I tell ya what, it really makes you think.
Sometimes we all have to surrender. I don’t know if I’m ready to cave just yet, I’m more stubborn than you’d probably care to know. All the same I might just let it go and go to the doctor soon. I kept telling myself that if I didn’t get better okay I’d go in a day or two…and now that it has been two weeks and I’m not better, maybe I’ll go…in a day or two.
I haven’t been sleeping and when I do I’m encompassed in the most bizarre of dreams…more ridiculous than normal. I want to go out and shoot but every time I do something remotely active I find myself out of breath…taking a shower is quite the ordeal at this point…I need to get out and run through a field or climb a tree or do something dang it.
Oh, and Martin left for Canada today...I miss him, come back soon soon soon!
I’m agitated and restless but at the same time euphorically content…this heart is on fire.
Is it September yet?
P.S. I need to find those glasses I’m wearing in the picture…they’re good for helping me see and drive and stuff…
Sorry I'm complaining...then again, it's my blog...nah, I'm still sorry.
Day two of no sleep and going on week two of coughing like a mad woman.
This is boring.
Is it September yet?
Thank you so much to everyone who came and looked here at my photos and wrote back to me...
It really meant a lot to me, and if you ever want me to take a few shots for you, be sure to let me know...I'd love nothing more.
Right now I'm really sick with bronchitis. The outing that resulted in the photos from my last entry ended up causing me to get more sick but alwell...totally worth it if you ask me. Anywho, I hope to be updating more regularly soon once I'm not bed bound.
Soon I'm doing a shoot with Netherfriends...check them out, especially if you like bands like Animal Collective and more folky or experimental music. It's my friend Shawn's band and it has been a real honor watching him and his music evolve over the past year.
Anywho, check them out if you have a chance www.myspace.com/netherfriend
Pictures soon...tune in next time...and honestly, thanks again guys!
I took Martin to one of my favorite places but I haven't been in about two years. It has changed a lot since I was last there. Vines, trees, weeds, and wildlife have dug their way in and are slowly returning to the earth, what was taken from it.
P.S. I dedicate this entry to Heather Kouros because while out photographing today, the subject matter could only remind me of her. A lot of self-portraits though...
P.P.S. Remember...click photographs to enlarge
The flowers are beginning to fade away.
His nose isn't as big as I make it appear with my camera
Gravel paths are actually just very long litterboxes
Zoe my god new facebook prof pic...
Roadside self-portrait
At heart I'm just a fish
Secret place
It takes Martin forever to lightmeter, let alone shoot...I had to keep waiting for him...sok though, I like him
Classic young Margot Tenenbaum pose with binoculars (you know...when shes out in front of the museum on the steps in her fur coat)
The door, my shoes, and me...all feeling the same
Aged milk jug
Martin, if you were a kitty I'd make you live in here...no I wouldn't...I love cats
The earth always takes back what it gave
Aged pages
Benethe the grit, you can view the print
Lines, lines, lines
